Living Ghost
by DramaLexy
Summary: My ideas on how Alex came back to NYC and what's been going on with her lately. SVU&Conviction crossover. Starts after Conviction Ep 5 and speculates a bit on OE stuff for SVU.
1. Chapter 1

TITLE: Living Ghost

AUTHOR: DramaLexy

SUMMARY: My ideas on how Alex came back to NYC and what's been going on with her lately. SVU/Conviction crossover. Starts after Conviction Ep 5 and speculates a bit on OE stuff for SVU.

DISCLAIMER: If I owned SVU, I'd be a happy person. If I owned Conviction...there's a long list of things I'd change. But alas, I don't own and I keep watching anyway...

AUTHORS NOTES: So I've been getting pretty annoyed lately with the lack of explanation for Alex's return. So I come up with an answer that got some SVU characters in the mix. (I loved the relationship with Alex & Elliot in "Ghost," so I played with that a bit.) Hope you enjoy!

* * *

Alex wasn't exactly sure why everything had been turning into an argument with Steele lately. When an innocent child's life is ended, someone has to pay. Shaking a baby to death isn't the kind of thing you can take back with an 'oops, sorry'. "Call me crazy," she told him, "But I like to go for murder when someone kills a five month old infant." 

Steele nodded slightly in concession. "Me, too," he told her, "But it's my case and I'd prefer to win."

"You can always reduce the charge," she suggested. She liked winning, too, and wanted this argument to go in her own 'W' column.

Jim tossed his ball up in the air, catching it cleanly as he leaned forward in his seat. "Hey, let's talk about this over dinner. My place?"

Alex looked down. She'd been waiting for that. "I can't tonight; I'm sorry. I have plans."

He took the bait, like she'd wanted. "Plans?"

"Last night was a mistake," she began. He didn't argue with her, not yet. " Robert and I got engaged this morning." He looked away, rolling his eyes, unable to believe she was serious. People don't sleep with their ex, and then get engaged to their boyfriend the next morning.

There were a million questions he could have asked, and maybe one of them would have done some good. The look on her face as she stared at her desk told him that something was going on – something was wrong – but then she looked up, her eyes meeting his, and he lost his nerve. With another roll of his eyes, Steele got up and left.

* * *

Things were busy around the office all day, but Alex finally got a chance to think on the subway ride home. She wasn't sure what she'd wanted from Steele that morning. Maybe she just needed to find out if he still cared, and obviously he didn't. Caring had never been a part of their deal. 

Alex had gotten back to Manhattan around Christmastime. She'd had some trouble believing that she was actually home to STAY. The witness protection program had ruined several good relationships for her solely because she couldn't stick around. She'd had to be so many people. Rachel. Sara. Heather. Emily. Nicole. Commitments usually left everyone hurt, so Jim's concept of a relationship had been appealing to her. Dinner at good restaurants, sex when they wanted it, but, most importantly, no strings attached. If she hadn't gotten the offer to be bureau chief a month or so after her return to the city, maybe they would have kept going down that road. But things changed, like they always did. Change was quickly becoming her only constant.

Getting off the train at her stop, she headed up the stairs and down the street toward the house where she lived. Even with the rock on her finger, she still couldn't call it her house; it was just where she lived, with Robert.

"Hey," Robert said as he came down the stairs, holding a file. "If I'd known you were going to be done at the office this early, sweetheart, I could have picked you up on my way back."

"That's okay."

"Dinner's not ready yet; you want to just go out somewhere?"

"Has Graciela already started cooking?" Alex loved his cook; the kindly older woman had been attempting to help her improve her skills in the kitchen.

"Probably, but it'll keep. Besides, you could wear that black dress of yours."

Alex smiled. "You mean the one that magically appeared in my closet one day and you hoped I wouldn't notice where it came from?"

Robert grinned. "Yeah, that's the one."

"We can go out tomorrow, honey," she promised.

"All right, fine…but will you still wear the dress tonight?"

Alex smiled. "You're incorrigible."

"I love beautiful women in beautiful things."

"Fine. But I'm taking a bubble bath first."

"Stressful day at the office?"

She considered that. "Aren't they all?"

* * *

Alex had her own room in Robert's house, although she hadn't been using the bed too often lately. She did, however, have an exquisite bathroom with a large tub that she now filled to the brim with water and bubbles. A few candles around the room made for a nice atmosphere. Sitting down in the bath, she held her breath, closed her eyes, and slipped under the surface. 

Alex was used to everything in her life being under control. Two years ago, her control had slipped away along with the blood that had poured out of her shoulder. The sniper's bullet hadn't actually killed her, but some days she felt like it had.

She had almost grown accustomed to being a living ghost. ADA Cabot had been gone, but she still haunted the woman that was walking around in her body. Alex had always wanted to come back to New York. Now that she had, however, trying to pick everything up from where she'd left it wasn't going so well.

Her lungs were starting to feel like they were going to burst, so she sat back up and released the air that had been trapped in them. After she finished cleaning up and washing her hair, she got out of the tub and wrapped herself in a fluffy robe before going to find the dress that Robert wanted her to wear.

The garment was in the back, between a few other dresses that she'd bought since returning to New York. The dress had thin straps, but the front came up high enough that it covered the scar at the base of her shoulder. She wouldn't exactly say that she was self-conscious about the bullet hole, but it wasn't exactly something she liked to dwell on, and Robert knew that.

There were so many little things that he did for her; he really was a good man and along with the gifts he could buy her, there was one present he offered that didn't have a price – the stability that her life had so desperately lacked for the past two years. The thing he didn't realize, however, was that he had just become engaged to 'Sara', not to 'Alex'. Maybe a little of 'Nicole's personality was thrown in, too. The real her wasn't actually Robert's type at all. She'd perfected the art of being who others wanted her to be, burying her real self so well that she couldn't even figure out who she was anymore. It scared her. 'Alex' wasn't supposed to actually be dead, she was just hiding.

She was broken out of her thoughts by the sound of a knock on her door. "Alex?" Robert called to her. "Dinner should be done in five, honey."

"I'm getting dressed now," she replied. "I'll be right down."

* * *

TBC... 


	2. Chapter 2

A few mornings later, Alex was looking over reports from her ADAs when her phone rang. " Alexandra Cabot," she answered it.

"Hey, Alex, it's Casey Novak."

Alex sat back in her seat, putting down her pen. She'd only seen her friends from SVU once or twice since returning to New York, so the phone call was somewhat unexpected. "Hi, Casey. How are you?"

"Pretty good. You?"

"Good."

"I've got a favor to ask."

"Name it."

"I have a case right now with a little bastard that's made a career of slipping through our fingers. I saw in his file that you were the last one to get him court, and was hoping you could share some insight."

"Yeah, sure. You want to meet for lunch?"

* * *

Casey was already at the restaurant by the time Alex arrived; she'd gotten stopped by both Finn and Potter on her way out of the office. "Sorry I'm late," she said as she slipped into her seat at their window table. 

Casey shook her head. "I've only been here a minute."

They both looked through the menu and gave their waiter their order. Casey then pulled a file out of her bag and handed it to Alex. She started flipping through the pages. "Oh, God, I remember this guy. I think that was the most infuriating case I ever lost."

"Which is why I'd like nothing more than to nail his ass to the wall," Casey replied. She then noticed a glittering bit of jewelry on Alex's left hand. "Is there something you want to talk about?" she asked.

She was confused for a moment, but followed Casey's gaze and realized what she was talking about. "Oh. Um, I'm engaged."

"So I gathered. Congratulations. When, who, and how come you didn't say anything?"

"Yesterday, his name is Robert, and I…I just didn't think of it."

" Robert, huh? How long have you been going out? I haven't heard any details from Olivia and them, but I know the whole thing with you and me is kind of complicated, so – "

"It's not," Alex started to protest.

Casey shook her head. "Believe me. I spent enough months with 'Not Cabot' stamped to my forehead to know how weird things are."

"You didn't get left out of the information loop," Alex told her. "No one knows. I've only been seeing him for…God, just over two months."

Casey smiled. "Whirlwind romance?"

"More like my existence is just a whirlwind in general. Sometimes, I'm not sure what I'm doing or what's going on in my life. Or what's left of my life."

"Adjusting to coming out of witness protection hasn't been easy?"

"I don't know. Some days, everything seems fine and sometimes…I was living in a hotel when I first came back to New York, and then when I met Robert, I moved in with him. My life pretty much consists of work and him, and the word 'yes' just popped out of my mouth before I could stop myself."

"Does that mean you wish you had stopped yourself?"

Alex sighed. "I don't know."

Casey considered that. "Maybe while you're trying to get back to how things used to be, you should work on reconnecting with the things that your life was made up of before."

Alex nodded. "Maybe. It's my problem, not yours. I'm sorry I laid this all on you." She pointed to the file in front of her. "This guy is your problem. Where have you gotten so far?" They both got down to business.

* * *

Casey's words were still echoing around in Alex's head by the time they parted ways an hour or so later. It did seem rather counterproductive to try and resume her old lifestyle while ignoring the people that had been such a big part of it. 

Everything about the 1-6's squad room was still familiar to her when she walked in the door a couple days later. Munch was the first one to notice her, turning away from a conversation he was having with Fin and Cragen. "Well, well, this is a surprise," he said as all three men walked over to her.

"Is something going on with a case?" Cragen asked.

"No, I just had the morning off, and wanted to come and visit."

"I met one of those kids that work for you," Munch told her. "I couldn't believe she'd graduated high school, let alone law school."

Alex smiled. "A few of them are still pretty wet behind the ears, but they're managing."

"I wish we'd have known you were coming," Fin said. "We were just on our way out the door."

"That's okay," she assured him. "We'll talk more next time. I promise I won't wait so long between visits."

"You better," he replied, giving her a quick friendly hug before he and Munch headed out the door.

"Where are Olivia and Elliot?" Alex asked Cragen.

"Olivia's not here; she's on a special assignment for a few weeks."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "Are you serious? What about Elliot?"

"In the crib, at the moment. He had a long night last night." Cragen looked at his watch. "He wanted to be woken up about a half hour ago. Why don't you go check on him; he could probably use a nice surprise."

* * *

Elliot was still asleep on a bed in the back corner of the crib. Alex couldn't help but smile as she gently shook his shoulder. He almost looked like a little boy being forced to wake up for school. "I'm up, Liv," she heard him mumble. 

"Old habits die hard, Detective Stabler?" Alex asked with a grin, sitting on the bed beside his. As the fog of sleep lifted, he realized who was next to him.

"Alex?"

"Morning. Expecting someone else?"

"Yeah, sort of…I guess Olivia usually is the one dragging my butt out of here."

"So, what poor soul got stuck with you as a partner while she's out on loan?"

Elliot looked up at that. "Nice." Alex grinned mischievously. "He hasn't run screaming from the building yet."

"Is there a betting pool on how long he's going to last?"

"Not sure, but if so, it's probably not as big as the one we had for you when you came onboard."

Alex's eyes widened. "You didn't."

Elliot nodded. "I lost thirty bucks to Olivia."

"How long did you think I was going to last?"

He grinned. "Two weeks." Alex grabbed a pillow and hit him. "Hey! You're assaulting a police officer!"

"You insulted an ADA. I think you're in more trouble than I am."

"Mmm, probably. What are you doing over here anyway? Don't you have a day care – I mean, an office to run, Ms. Bureau Chief?"

"Yes, I do, but it's been a while since I saw all of you guys, so I wanted to visit. I had lunch with Casey a couple days ago."

"I know. Congratulations, by the way," he tipped his head to indicate the ring on her finger. "When do I get to meet the lucky guy?"

"I don't know. Sometime soon. And you better not pull the 'big brother' crap that you do for Olivia." She noticed his smile dim a little bit.

"We'll see. A guy's got to take care of his friends."

"Thank you. I guess I probably should get going. Cragen said to wake you up; I'm not sure if that means he needs you."

Elliot looked at his watch and sighed. "I was supposed to be up earlier than this." Alex just smiled as they both got up and headed for the door. "We should do lunch or something at some point," he said, "Once things are a little less crazy for both of us."

"Definitely. Give me a call when you're free. Or I'll call you, or something."

He smiled. "Yeah, something. It was good seeing you, Alex."

She nodded. "You, too."

* * *

TBC... 


	3. Chapter 3

After a long day at the courthouse a few weeks later, Alex was looking forward to being able to go home and get some dinner and some rest. Robert's caseload had been even more intense than hers lately, and she knew that she'd be alone in the house, but that was fine; as horrible as it sounded, she didn't really feel up to having to deal with her fiancé.

"Alex?" she heard a voice call just as she reached the front doors and turned to see Elliot behind her. "Hey, I thought that was you."

"Yeah, I'm finally on my way out of here. How about you?"

"Just finished with a grand jury. Looking forward to dinner and perhaps a movie back at home."

"Sounds like a good plan. I probably should pick something up on the way home; I'd feel bad making Robert's cook make something just for me."

"He's got a cook?" Alex just smiled. "Wait, so you're going back to an empty house?"

"Well, Robert won't be there, but there's still his cook and housekeeper and all."

"Why don't you come back to my place for a bit, then?" He saw her hesitate. "Come on, you can get a free meal and let me beat up on you in backgammon."

"That's a hell of a sales pitch you've got, there, Stabler."

He laughed. "Thanks, I try. Seriously, though. What sense does it make for both of us to spend the evening all by ourselves? Just for a couple hours. I'll get you home before you turn into a pumpkin."

Alex finally nodded. "Okay. Let's go."

* * *

They both decided against actually having to cook and instead picked up Chinese from a restaurant down the street from Elliot's apartment. Elliot got the backgammon game while Alex sorted out their containers and napkins and chopsticks. 

"I've missed this," Elliot said as he sat down, watching Alex roll the dice for the first time.

She smiled. "Olivia won't play with you?"

"Nah, it's no fun. I always kick her ass even worse than I do yours."

Alex rolled her eyes as she sat back in her chair, picking up her takeout container. "Poor thing. Why don't you play with Munch?"

"And have to listen to him spout his latest conspiracy garbage? No thanks."

She smiled. "So should I ask why Olivia's off somewhere that you're not?"

"No," Elliot flatly replied. Alex raised an eyebrow. "It's complicated," he finally added.

"That's nothing new," she replied with a little grin.

"It is for me. I just…things aren't supposed to be this hard. Besides visits with my kids, Liv and my job are all I've got."

"Does she know that?"

Elliot smiled, albeit a little bitterly. "Yeah. I told her, and she left. So now SVU is all that's left and I think my timesheet shows it."

"Maybe she wasn't trying to leave you, Elliot."

He rolled the dice. "What do you mean?"

"You said that her and your job were all you had. Maybe by separating the two, she wanted to let you keep both of them."

He sighed. "Do you have any idea how much easier things would be if I could just move time back?"

Alex laughed. "Did you forget who you were talking to?"

"Yeah, I guess you would get it. I just…I care about her so much that it scares me." Alex slowly nodded, but Elliot noticed the look on her face as she glanced away, her eyes focused on dice in her hands. "What?"

"Nothing."

Elliot nodded towards her hand, which was holding her dice. "If you roll anything less than a pair of fours then you've gotta come clean, too," he offered.

Alex narrowed her eyes at him as she rolled a two and three. "I think your game is fixed."

"And I think something's up with you."

She sighed. "I…Sometimes I feel like I'm the exact opposite of you. I WISH I could make myself care about anything or anyone. I'm just…empty. And THAT scares ME."

Elliot considered that for a moment. "Have you talked to anyone since you got back? Like George?"

Alex raised an eyebrow. "I don't need a shrink."

"Hey, I don't like talking to them, either, but sometimes…it actually helps." She didn't answer. "How about your fiancé? Robert, is that his name? Does he know about the WPP?"

"Of course he knows! Every lawyer in the city knows about the martyred ADA."

_Struck a nerve_, he realized. "How many times did they move you around?"

"It doesn't matter; just drop it." Most people she knew would have backed off. This same little scene had played out so many times in the past few months; someone would get in an argument with her, and after a few minutes she'd start to get a dangerous look in her eye. Instead of facing her, everyone would give up, leave her alone, and let her get her way. One of the reasons she'd missed her old friends so much was the fact that they rarely let her play such games. Elliot wasn't going to give up.

"Four times?" he asked. "Five?" She didn't reply, and wouldn't raise her eyes to look at him. "Alex, I know how much you lost – "

"No, you don't!" she finally exploded, standing up. "You don't have any idea what it was like. I lost my identity, my job, my friends, my family…It took three months after I left New York before I stopped jumping every time someone slammed a door. I had nightmares of seeing my hands dripping with my own blood. Every time I walked to my car, I'd wonder if there was a bomb attached to the ignition. A couple guys who were really good agents and even better men got killed to keep me alive. I wonder every day what exactly makes me worth that."

"Are you?" Elliot asked. She froze.

"What?"

"Your life's a gift, Alex, which those guys gave to you. Whether or not you're 'worth it' is all up to you: your choices, your life from here on out. So are you worth it?"

She thought about that. "I want to be."

Elliot smiled. "That's a start." He offered her the dice. "Come on, it's your turn."

* * *

TBC... 


	4. Chapter 4

She could picture it all. Every single moment of her shooting was stored in Alex's mind with unbelievable clarity. The SUV driving up too slowly to be normal. The window rolling down. The crack of the gun echoed in her mind as she fell to the pavement. Olivia's voice calling her name.

And then her friend was kneeling over her, mumbling a long string of, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no…" Yelling for someone to call an ambulance. Olivia was begging her to look at her, but Alex couldn't move. She was frozen, cold, paralyzed. Hot pain began seeping through her as a hand pressed over the hole in her shoulder. There was so much blood; it was running between her fingers, flowing onto the sidewalk. "It's okay, sweetie. Stay with me. Stay with me, Alex…"

She wanted to. She wanted to say she wasn't going anywhere, but her brain was no longer connected to the rest of her body. She could see someone else run up – Elliot – and stare at her in shock. She wanted to be strong – to hold onto her life as she knew it – but it was slipping away. Why couldn't she fight when it mattered most? She could win battles for other people, but not for herself. She couldn't get control.

"Alex, Alex, it's okay. Look at me. Look at me." Olivia was pleading with her, but she still slipped away…

* * *

Waking up, it took a minute before Alex realized where she was. She'd opted the night before to sleep alone in her bedroom at Robert's house, and now she was grateful for that. He didn't need to know about her nightmares. 

As she walked down the hall, Alex could see that Robert was sitting at the foot of the bed in his room, getting his jacket and shoes on. "Can I talk to you?" she asked, leaning against his doorframe.

"Yeah. Are you going in late this morning?" he inquired, noticing that she was still in her nightgown and robe.

"I hadn't planned on it, but I guess I am now. I didn't sleep all that well last night."

Robert smiled. "That's because you were in the wrong bed." Alex couldn't bring herself to even crack a smile at the joke. "Sweetheart, what's wrong?" Slowly, Alex pulled her ring off and, after considering it for a moment, offered it to him. "What are you doing?"

"Take it," Alex said. He hesitantly complied. "I can't do this. I can't…I can't handle this relationship right now, and it's not fair to you to keep pretending."

"I don't understand. A few days ago you were happy, and – "

"No, I wasn't. I've just gotten really good at faking it. That was all my life was for two years: make believe. And coming back from that…its not as easy as I wish it was."

Robert slowly nodded, considering the band of metal between his fingers. "I can give you time, if that's what you need. We don't have to rush forward."

"I do need time, but I think I need it on my own."

"Where are you going to go? How are you going to work this out?"

"I haven't figured everything out yet. But I will…I'll be moved out by tonight."

" Alex, you don't have to be like this. At least let me help you find a place to stay."

She smiled a little, stepping forward to kiss him on the cheek. "You're going to be late for work." He didn't want to, but he finally nodded and left.

* * *

Since she was already running late, Alex decided to make one more detour before going to work. As she stepped off the elevator and headed down the hall towards the 1-6's squad room, she could see that Elliot was getting himself a cup of coffee and a donut. He smiled when he noticed her. "Hey, you okay?" he asked. 

"Yeah. I was just wondering if we could talk." He nodded, putting his breakfast down on his desk as he led her towards the stairs to the room's little loft.

"I talked to Olivia this morning," Elliot told her as they went. "We're supposed to get together next week and have dinner. Talk about things."

"That's good."

He smiled. "Yeah, hopefully. How about you? Any idea what your next move is?"

"I'm leaving Robert. My stuff's getting moved today."

"Where are you staying?"

"I'm in a hotel at the moment, but I'm going to start looking for a place of my own."

"If you want any help," Elliot offered, "I think Fin was talking about his building having openings."

Alex smiled. "That's okay. I think I can manage something on my own."

Elliot returned her grin. "Okay, Ms. Bureau Chief."

"I did have a favor to ask, though."

"Sure, anything."

She took a deep breath. "Can I see your gun?" He raised an eyebrow, but reached to pull the weapon out of its holster. After double checking that the safety was still on, he offered it to her.

Alex was extremely hesitant at first, just holding the weapon at arms length and staring at it. She finally pulled her hand in closer, examining the item that had been a source of terror for the past few years. It was still scary as hell – the knowledge that something so small could so easily end lives – but maybe she could learn to handle the fear. Maybe she could learn to handle all the challenges that had been thrown her way.

She handed the gun back, giving Elliot a little smile. "Thanks," she told him. "I'd better get over to my office before someone has a meltdown."

"All right. Once Liv gets back, we should make another attempt to do lunch with the whole group."

Alex nodded. "Yeah, sure. Just call and let me know when."

* * *

TBC... 


	5. Epilogue

Coming in the door to the bullpen, Alex saw Rossi heading out of her office with a case file. She purposely attempted to avoid eye contact with her boss, and Alex made a mental note to talk to her later. Right now, her main concern was the fact that she could hear Potter and Desmond arguing through the closed door of the latter's office.

"Do you two need a time-out?" she asked the ADAs as she stood in the doorway. They both shut up mid-shout. "What's the problem, in five seconds or less?"

"This is the second time it's been 'suggested' that I make a deal on a case I know I can win," Potter replied. "We are still trying to get convictions, aren't we?"

Billy rolled his eyes. "It's nothing you need to worry about," he told Alex. "I can handle it."

She smiled. "I like his answer," she told Potter. "Make the deal."

"But – "

"Make. The. Deal." She didn't need to look back at Desmond to know that he had a little grin on his face as she walked away.

* * *

Alex had a stack of papers waiting on her desk, but didn't get a chance to even look at the first one before Steele appeared in her doorway. "What was that about?" he asked. 

"What?"

"I thought you were in this for the numbers?"

She sighed. "Not every case is the same. We're supposed to be in this for justice's sake, aren't we?"

"So they tell us. What's the 8th floor going to say?"

"Don't know. But at the moment, I don't really care."

Jim nodded. "What happened to your ring?"

Alex looked down at her hand. "I gave it back…Jumping into the engagement was a mistake."

He scoffed slightly. "You've been making a few of those lately." He then realized that was a comment worthy of getting his head bitten off. "Sorry, that was out of line – "

"It's okay," Alex said with a slight shrug. "I guess I have. But I'm figuring things out." Steele wasn't sure what he had been expecting her to say, but that wasn't it. Unsure what the correct reply was supposed to be, he simply gave a single nod and left.

Alex sat back in her chair, picking up the first report she had to go over. Maybe there was no going back – her life as she knew it really had ended on a sidewalk in the fall of 2003 with the crack of a gunshot. But maybe going forward wouldn't be so bad.

* * *

FIN. 

A/N: It was suggested that I do a sequel (on the E/O side of things). Any thoughts? (and keep in mind that I've gotta survive finals first.)


End file.
